Trust my Path

Thorn in my flesh

2011-01-06T18:59:00.000-08:00

Last Sunday, in the midst of all the other Scripture thrown around, I was reminded of this passage from 2 Corinthians 12:

Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!

Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.

The phrase that hit me the most was this idea of a thorn in the flesh. I'm not that invested in figuring how what Paul suffered from...some say epilepsy, others say blindness or vision impairment and others say a spinal/muscle injury...I don't really care.

What I've been pondering is what a thorn in the flesh is. Or to be more clear, how does one distinguish what is a thorn of Satan, what is a nasty habit/sin and what is just a part of who one is.

I ask because I really wonder with whether or not some of us are just hard wired to struggle with issues that can become quite crippling. My friend ACJ touches on this when she shares about her own brand of crazy. (One which I can totally resonate with..plus she is a much better writer than I).

I know that I'm not alone in wondering this, however I think that it was easier for me when I could "pin down" the thorn in my flesh to a specific thing. Ie: our fertility struggle was a thorn in my flesh that God, in His mercy, took away from me. But it is ongoing things that I cannot discern whether it is just part of my identity, who God created me to be, or if they are thorns that I should be striving to overcome.

This post is rapidly becoming one of those posts where my thoughts are so twisted up in my own mind that I'm not explaining it well here. But I do think this passage will become part of my posting for the next little bit as I try to work through it. Plus, one of my goals for this year is to post at least once a week here.

Thoughts and more sound exegesis is most welcome here!

Fragile

2010-11-18T12:30:00.001-08:00

I am a private person. I will share with you just enough that you can feel that you know me; but most of the time I've carefully thought out just how much I'm willing to give. I've obviously been working through that a bit by blogging every day on my other blog, but still...

Here's the thing, whether it is right or wrong, or just is, I feel like some of my hopes, dreams, feelings are just too fragile to throw out there. When I think of sharing something deeper, I get this picture of my two hands, cupped together, cradling what I am about to share. My arms are slightly extended out, but still protective, inviting you to see, but silently begging you to be careful.

Some folk rush to my hands, pulling them apart to examine what I hold. In their enthusiasm, they take it, pulling, twisting and looking. They look for holes, they drop it, they tell others about it or they tell me what could be better about it and how to fix or deal with it. They mean well, and is often done in a spirit of being a friend, but it is hard...and chances are I won't share for a while again.

Others come a bit more slowly. They are more gentle, they ask questions and listen to my answers. They may pull apart my hands a bit and pick it up; not to take, but to see better.

A precious few wait. They wait till I fully extend my hands to them. Then, and only then they come, slowly, quietly, and they put their hands around my hands and just breathe with me as we look down into what my hands hold. No words needed.

Today, against my better judgement and out of necessity, I was forced to hold something out. Suffice it to say, I am feeling a bit fragile now.

A song that says it all for me right now...

2010-10-24T13:35:00.001-07:00

Just thinking....

2010-09-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

A quote from a show I watched this week where the character talks about women in a bridal magazine. She speaks of how she knew girls like the ones portrayed in the magazine; girls that lived simple lives, just wanting to get married and live life...and that she used to feel sorry for them. Then she said the line that has resonated with me ever since...

'I don't know, I think you are either born simple or you are born....

Me.'

Jeff and I had this whole conversation about marriage a few weeks ago (which I will blog about soon) that touched on this line of thought. My comment to him was that our life/marriage would be a bit easier if I was less uncomplicated. His response was a sideways glance, a smirk and the comment, ' Yes, it would....but it would be less interesting.'

That was a gracious response on his part to be sure. And there are days where we both wish I was born simple(or less complicated), however sometimes you just got to work with what you got.

A crisis of Faith.

2010-08-29T13:11:00.000-07:00

I don't know why it is so hard for me to post on this blog. It is not like I don't think about faith, God and life. Just the opposite, it is like that is all I'm thinking about!

Here is a short list of what rattles around in my brain at any given instance:
Jesus
Community
Hospitality
Gender
Same sex issues
Gardening
Being a wife
Being a mother
God
Prayer
Church and how I fit in
Vocation
The Holy Spirit
Family
Relationships

I am sure that there is more, but that is just off the top of my head. But what I think is so much scary is the sense that I am disconnected.

Disconnected from the Creator, His Son and the comfort of the Spirit. For me it is a crisis of faith. Not the kind that says, 'God does not exist', but rather the kind that says, 'God exists, but I'm not connected and I don't know how to do this anymore'

And I miss it.

2 comments that have stuck in my craw.

2010-06-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

Time often can provide perspective. Good conversations with lots of people can do the same. But if I was totally honest with myself, there have been 2 comments/statements that have dug themselves deep into my mind that I keep going over and over. And when I say 2 comments, I really mean 2 themes since multiple people have said these either to my face, through private emails or frankly, as gossip. So here goes!

1.) The insinuation that Hubby is not "man" enough to be the head of the household because of my work as a Youth Pastor.

I'm going to assume that this theme/question/insult was based on the scripture passage in Ephesians where it says for the wife to submit to the husband because the husband is the head of the household just as Christ is Head of the Church.

If we study the passage ALL THE WAY (meaning to Ephesians 6:9), we see Paul speaking to 3 sets of relationships: wives & husbands, children & parents and slaves & masters. Paul was writing in a time where, culturally speaking, women, children and slaves were the lesser status. Each time Paul starts with a cultural reference to relationship, but quickly turns it into a spiritual relationship and responsibility. Yes, it says for wives to submit to their husbands, but it also calls husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. Can you imagine a world where that held true? Do you think wives would have any trouble submitting to husbands who upheld that standard of love and devotion? I don't think so.

HOWEVER, this passage talks ONLY of wives and husbands in the home. Not about church leadership. This passage is not about the giftedness and calling of a woman in regards to church leadership...but somehow always gets called into play around this issue.

Which brings me to the insulting part of this whole thing. Those who make the comments regarding my marriage and Jeff's role in it are just people that: a). Don't know us. b). Ignorant and c). Hurtful. I am a woman blessed by her husband. Jeff is so confident in who he is, what gifts God has given him, and confident in our relationship that me being in leadership in ministry has never been an issue between us. In fact, at pastor gatherings, Jeff would wear a name tag that stated "Pastor's Husband". He is the leader of our home, and he is a leader who values my opinion, loves me as best as a man can and sees our marriage as a partnership, not a dictatorship. He is more of a man than those who hide between this passage in order to have some sort of power and control over women. He is a man who wants to see the women around him, who are gifted and called by God, in leadership for the benefit of this community. And we need more men like him to speak, to live and to lead.

2.) Women in Leadership = Gays getting married in our Churches

First of all, really??!?? This comment made me laugh, then want to weep and finally to smack the people who said it. This comment was so out of line that I wondered if I just read a different bible than everyone else. These are 2 separate issues; there is no relationship between the 2. I know that people point to the United and Anglican churches as "proof", but that is simply ridiculous. If you are going to point to denominations that ordain women, then also look at the Canadian Baptists across Canada, or the Christian Reformed. Trust me when I say these denominations are nowhere near accepting gay marriage; I have several friends who can attest to that! Secondly, fear of "the gays" being in your church due to having women in leadership is redundant. If you think your church doesn't have gay people in it, you are sadly mistaken...sorry to burst your bubble. The 2 are NOT LINKED. Saying outrageous statements does not, in fact, make it true. It just creates fear and confusion. Please. Study your bible.

So, there you have it. 2 comments/themes/insults that have been rattling around my brain. Comments please.

A follow up to An Open letter to Church X

2010-06-19T19:21:00.000-07:00

Due to an overwhelming response, both publicly on the blog and private emails, I've decided to do a follow up. I want to address a few comments/thoughts that were shared with me. I love that this post has generated so many diverse thoughts and this post, by no means is an exhaustive epistle on the issue. I have my own perspective on it, and I am not so arrogant to think that I can write in an unbiased fashion.

Ready? Here we go...

Jesus and the Upside Down Kingdom:

2 Greatest Commandments: Love God and Love Others (my paraphrase)

In Jesus' ministry, He took all of what was the norm and flipped it upside down. He made God accessible to everyone. He made it simple. He welcomed everyone to the table, to His teachings, to His Life. Men, women and children. That was Jesus.

Church as a "Club":

We have all probably had a moment in our lives where we wanted to be part of a club/group/clique that for some unknown reason we were excluded from. Remember the pain? The anger? The wondering...why aren't I welcome here?

My own personal fear is that church as we know it, has become a club. A club with secret dress codes and passwords.

How much better if church was synonymous with community, welcome, hospitality and love. Simplistic? Idealistic? Perhaps, but when Jesus summed up the whole Old Testament with the 2 Great Commandments, seems to me that He was doing the same.

Jesus as the Head of the Church:

Yep. I agree. Jesus is crazy, stupid in love with the church...no matter how much we screw it up.

Culture and Context:

One of the things that I detest the most in theological arguments is when culture is relevant through the ages for certain issues but not others. One of these issues for me is the whole women in leadership issue. Somehow, we can still cling to the text that cites the woman should be "silent" in church, but throw out texts around jewellery, short hair on women and head coverings.

I'll be the first to admit that Paul's writings seem conflicting at times. At one point he speaks of women praying and prophesying, then in the next breath saying they should be silent. He has several women deacons such as Lydia and Priscilla and then says women should ask questions of their husbands at home.

Here's a thought, in reading the whole bible as an overarching, never-ending story, we can see the ways God has worked in the world. God is fluid, adaptable, Creator. He is not limited by our ways, but rather works within for His good. Yes, the world before was patriarchal, women were limited in their public roles. But God wove in women of faith and wisdom to take up prominent roles in the history of Christianity.

The Giftedness of All:

I think most people nowadays would agree that both men and women are equals; created that way by God. Then why then would God calls us to 2 deeply different roles? Why would one role be of leadership and the other submission ? Especially if men and women are not only of equal status and dignity before God but in every other way as well?

Consider a successful computer business. Profits are high, the brand is popular with consumers, staff loved the company and executives worked as a team and everyone loves the boss. The boss is smart, funny, makes wise decisions, is a great team builder and know the business inside out. The boss is also a strong person of faith, who is not afraid to let that be known, but is warm and welcoming to all. Wouldn't you want this person in leadership in your church?

Perhaps. But the "problem" is that the boss is a woman. Somehow all the gifts that make her a success in the world gets stripped away the minute she enters a church. They are not longer acknowledged. In my humble opinion, that doesn't make sense.

Phew! There was a lot more tossed about in the comments...but I think that is all for me right now. Comments welcomed. Please show grace when responding to others that might have a different view.

***If you are at all interested in reading a fairly balanced view on Gender as a whole, I suggest "Finally Feminist" by John Stackhouse. (Don't let the title fool you)

Does it matter?

2010-04-14T19:46:00.001-07:00

Today the mystery of the disappearance of one of my favourite music artists was solved.

Jennifer Knapp Comes Out | Music | Christianity Today

I met Jennifer Knapp years ago backstage at a concert. I'd loved her music since her first album, Kansas. She was a short, intense person who looked you straight in the eye while having a conversation. I loved the fact that she wrote her own music and played a killer guitar. So I was disappointed when she dropped off the face of music.

Today I read this article about her. The honesty and transparency that she displays is refreshing. And I also felt grief in her acknowledgment that the Christian music industry probably won't support her record.

I get it. I don't agree with it. I think that we need voices that articulate the struggle that the issue of sexuality is. Even better when the medium of art is used. I think music, painting, clay etc are valuable expressions when mere words cannot suffice.

Words are powerful. I have painfully relearned that lesson recently. How much richer we are when we can engage hard issues through different ways.

I hope you read the article. And I hope you wrestle with it and feel free to dialogue it here or amongst other friends.

Backasswards...

2010-04-07T13:20:00.000-07:00

In most people's lives who go into ministry, life kinda goes like this:

High School
Bible college
Youth pastor job for no money
Youth pastor job for more money
Maybe Associate Pastor or Senior Pastor

Then, when they have life figured out in terms of passion and gifting, they may start a whole new ministry geared toward a certain population...like homeless, or family or whatever.

Here is Jeff's journey:

High school
Christian college (drop out)
Missionary
Missionary who started a ministry in a whole new environment
Missionary whose ministry is a thriving ministry to at risk, inner city kids in Vancouver
Started a Master's Degree
Worked with mentally ill and drug addicted folks
Was a Camp Director for 2 years at one of the biggest camps in Western Canada

Do you think he can get a youth pastor's position. Nope. Not at all.

Apparently skipping the step of being a youth pastor in his twenties does not qualify him for a youth pastor job in his thirties. Which is complete and utter bullshit.

Frankly, I'd want someone who has lived life in many different ways teaching my kid. Not some kid who just graduated out of bible college and is still wet behind the ears.

It is so frustrating because I think Jeff would make a better youth pastor than I ever was. Way better...he likes people. All the time.

It would be easier if God would just write on the wall what we are supposed to be DOING. Instead of us just existing here in this place.

Reminds me of when Jeff and I were dating and he told me that he was waiting for God to appear at the foot of his bed, in a blaze of fire, to tell him to marry me. Of course, being the tenderhearted woman I am, I told Jeff that he was an ASS and that God had better things to do.

However, now...I wouldn't mind God in a ball of fire telling us what to do.

Sheesh.

The Dark Night of Soul

2010-03-07T19:04:00.000-08:00

On a dark night,
Kindled in love with yearnings
--oh, happy chance!--
I went forth without being observed,
My house being now at rest.

In darkness and secure,
By the secret ladder, disguised
--oh, happy chance!--
In darkness and in concealment,
My house being now at rest.

In the happy night,
In secret, when none saw me,
Nor I beheld aught,
Without light or guide,
save that which burned in my heart.

This light guided me
More surely than the light of noonday
To the place where he
(well I knew who!) was awaiting me
-- A place where none appeared.

Oh, night that guided me,
Oh, night more lovely than the dawn,
Oh, night that joined
Beloved with lover,
Lover transformed in the Beloved!

Upon my flowery breast,
Kept wholly for himself alone,
There he stayed sleeping,
and I caressed him,
And the fanning of the cedars made a breeze.

The breeze blew from the turret
As I parted his locks;
With his gentle hand
He wounded my neck
And caused all my senses to be suspended.

I remained, lost in oblivion;
My face I reclined on the Beloved.
All ceased and I abandoned myself,
Leaving my cares
forgotten among the lilies

The phrase “dark night of the soul” comes from a poem by St. John of the Cross (1542-1591), a Spanish Carmelite monk and mystic, whose Noche obscura del alma is translated “The Dark Night of the Soul.” This eight-stanza poem outlines the soul’s journey from the distractions and entanglements of the world to the perfect peace and harmony of union with God. According to the poet, the “dark night of the soul” is synonymous with traveling the “narrow way” that Jesus spoke of in Matthew 7:13-14.

The monk taught that one seeking God will cast off all attachments to this world and live a life of austerity. Before attaining union with God, however, the soul must pass through a personal experience of Christ’s passion. This time of testing and agony is accompanied by confusion, fear, and uncertainty—including doubts of God—but on the other side are Christ’s glory, serenity, and a mystical union with God.

The dark night is not pleasant, but to the end that it allows one to approach nearer to God and His love, the poet calls it a “happy night” and a “night more lovely than the dawn.” At the end of one’s journey, he concludes, God takes away all feeling, leaving the traveler senseless to everything except the presence of God Himself.

From a theological standpoint, the concept of a dark night of the soul fits with the Catholic teaching of the necessity of purgatory and of earning God’s favor through penance and other works. However, the idea of a step-by-step process of self-denial and affliction culminating in glory is not taught in Scripture. Jesus predicted that His followers would face persecution (John 15:20), but He also gives His peace to those same followers (John 14:27). A believer has God’s peace now; he doesn’t have to experience a “dark night” first (Romans 5:1). The child of God is already seated “in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus” (Ephesians 2:6). Neither Jesus nor the apostles ever taught a “dark night of the soul.”

The ideas contained in “The Dark Night of the Soul” have been applied in contexts outside of Catholicism. Protestants have been known to use the phrase to describe a period of questioning one’s salvation. And the phrase is sometimes used generically to describe any type of mental, emotional, or spiritual anguish.

Lent

2010-02-17T19:53:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday and the start of Lent. Since we attend a church that doesn't "do" Lent, I really need to pay attention to the church calendar to remember. I had a great conversation with a friend that has grown up as a Christian, attending church all her life about Lent. I, of course, whined about the fact that no one at the church seems to notice Lent, and she wisely pointed out that in this particular denomination Lent is not even on the radar. Then she asked about a bunch of questions about Lent. I tried to answer, but since it was after midnight, I was a little foggy.

In a very basic nutshell, Lent is the 40 days before Easter that we remember Christ's journey to the Cross. This time is usually marked by fasting and prayer, however most now give up a vice as a sacrifice and small reminder of how much Christ sacrificed for us. The 40 days is symbolic of the 40 years that the Israelites wandered and the 40 days that Jesus was tempted.

For me Lent is a time to reflect and to remember the journey to the Cross and not to rush into the joy of Easter...much like Advent is to savour the lead up to the joy of Christmas. There is a reason these seasons are built into the church calendar. If we don't reflect on the cost of the Cross, we can miss the deep significance of the joy of the Resurrection.

I am giving up:

Store bought coffee drinks - I love treating myself to coffee or steamed milk. Sometimes I base my whole day around it.

Unnecessary web surfing - I love to read and sometimes I read junk and waste hours in front of the computer. I am limiting myself to my blogs, facebook and email. (the latter two are included because a fair amount of my work is attached to those two things).

I'm also trying to do Lenten readings. Several friends of mine are gifted writers and put together Lenten books. However, there is a ton of stuff on the web to follow. Here is one: Praying Lent 2010.

Here's to Lent!

The best compliment ever.

2010-02-02T15:51:00.001-08:00

Sitting at my basketball alumni tourney on the bench with some ladies. We were talking about some other teammates and I was listening to the various "observations". At one point of this unflattering talk came the insult, 'Yeah, and they are religious too!'.

I laughed and said, 'Hey now, I'm religious!'. The women stopped and looked at me. One woman said, 'yeah, but you're different.' Another chimed in, 'Yeah, but you are all welcoming and stuff. Plus you answer our questions all none judgmental...' A few others said some kind words. And then it was our turn to play.

Those might be some of the best compliments I have ever received.

Faith and the Olympics...part deux....

2010-01-28T10:33:00.000-08:00

There is so much more I want to say to this, but it seems that it all begins to get muddled up!

Here are some resources to read if you are so inclined:

Vancouver Sun article on R.E.E.D - a ministry for trafficked women

R.E.E.D website: http://www.embracedignity.org/

Streams of Justice

Faith and the Olympics

2010-01-27T20:13:00.000-08:00

In less than 2 weeks my hometown is hosting the 2010 Winter Olympic Games. And today I bought Olympic gear. I gotta admit, there was angst...and this is why.

For 10 years we lived and worked in a community that is marginalized. When the referendum around the Olympics came up years ago, Jeff and I voted. As usual our votes canceled each other out and the Olympics bid was submitted and ultimately was awarded to Vancouver. Almost immediately the community that we were a part of became mobilized against the Olympics. And as of today are currently rallying to stage the largest anti-Olympic protest in Olympic history.

Here is the rub for me. I agree that marginalized folks are getting the short end of the stick. They are being 'relocated', there is a rise in trafficked women and children to serve the sex industry that the games bring, there is no opportunity for low income folks to get tickets to enjoy the games, housing is scarce and expensive and healthcare is a bit of a mess...the list goes on and on. However, the Downtown Eastside has been the way it is for decades, despite countless Christian and non profits working down there, the 1 billion dollars that is being used for security would not have been available to address the woes of the marginalized. Politicians lie whether the Games are here or not....and the list goes on.

Yes, it has been tiring to navigate the mess of construction that has tied up Vancouver for 4 years. Yes, I am not excited about the amount of tax money that is going into these games. And yes, I agree with most of what my passionate friends protest about the Olympics. HOWEVER, I do not think that my faith and my desire to support my country in the Olympics are mutually exclusive.

That message, written more eloquently here than I can sum up, says that if we stand with Jesus, then we must stand against the Olympics. I am not sure that is the case. Personally, I'm not sure what Jesus would do in this situation. I believe Jesus is for the marginalized, the poor, the outcast. I also believe that Jesus is for those of us just getting along, raising families, living in the 'burbs, working a job or two and are trying to follow Him. I am sure Jesus would have voted against the Olympics and I also think He would have used this time in history to draw attention to crucial social issues much like He did in His day. But I don't think He would condemn those of us wearing the Canadian gear cheering on our athletics as folks who have fallen away from our faith.

So, here I am, working through this thorny issue in my own muddling way. We will be outfitted in Canadian red sweatshirts, cheering the torch as it makes its way through our little village next week. I will probably sit in front of my TV screaming for our hockey team as they seek to win gold. And I will continue to do my best to live my life in a way that honors Jesus.

Restless spirits

2010-01-25T20:48:00.000-08:00

In the beginning of a new year and as the celebration of another year lived draws near, I ponder. In 35 years I have managed a few things....making through the hell of high school, getting a degree or two, living away from home, starting a ministry, pastoring for 10 years, getting and staying married, birthing two kids and starting life anew in the suburbs. It feels like a lot. And it is. But the kicker is that I'm just turning 36.

None of the above make me special. It is just how God took a rage-filled young woman and set her on a path to serve Him. Lots of good has been accomplished. I have been a part of some wonderful communities of people and youth. I have seen God at work. But the question remains...what now?

I really hope that there is more than just living life in the 'burbs, growing children and just getting along. I believe God has wired me and Jeff for ministry. I don't think that I am done at 36. And I know there are folks who say, there is ministry to be done in the 'burbs...I don't doubt it, I see the need all the time. But really??? For us I don't know. We have friends in New Orleans working to rebuild the city who continue to woo us down. There is always the desire to return to the city of our heart, Camden and countless other opportunities that present themselves to us. Which way to go? Perhaps to stay?

The barrier that comes up is our girls. The bigger question is what is best for them? Living here in a community that is safe and nurturing, filled with family and friends? Move to Ontario to be surrounded with more family? My heart would break if we chose a ministry and place that ultimately would harm our girls. But then am I saying that I love my girls more than God? As my girls would say, God loves us the best and you love us next!

I think I need to reclaim Jehovah Jirah, my provider. I need to relearn what that means and trust Him to lead our family in the way He wants for us. I also need to meet and chat with families who have stepped out in faith, to dangerous places and how it worked.

If you are a person of prayer, think of us as we seek to discern which way to go. That is our year of 2010, a year of journey and change.

Redeeming Love

2010-01-21T10:14:00.001-08:00

I am a reader. I love it. I can get absorb so deeply into a book that my house could burn down around me and I would simply wonder what happened when I finally surfaced from the book. I starting reading at four and somehow developed a way of reading that is, umm...fast. So fast that it has been studied by teachers and friends alike. It was helpful during school for sure, but it also means that I need a stack of books by me at all times since I go through them quickly.

So I joined a book club, thinking that would both give me new books to read and hopefully I would also find one or two kindred souls. This month's book is a Christian fiction novel. I feel about Christian fiction the same way I feel about Christian women's books ---not great. The 'cheesiness' factor is so high and the writing so poor...(wow, there is some judgement and snobbiness just popping out there!). Anyhow, I respect the woman who suggested it, and when and found the book from an older lady in the church. The book is called Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and it is based on the story of Hosea in the bible.

The first few chapters are disturbing. I actually just wanted to vomit because it speaks of a child sold into prostitution. Having daughters and friends working to stop the trafficking of women in Vancouver, this naturally hit me hard. But the story itself is so compelling.

The cast of characters:
Angel - the girl/woman sold into prostitution during the California gold rush
Micheal Hosea - the man God called to marry Angel
Paul - Micheal's brother in law who once used Angel after his wife died and hates her
Miriam - Oldest daughter of a neighbouring family

Angel is filled with self loathing and despair over her life. Men line up with their bags of gold to be with her. She is so damaged inside and out. Micheal spots her one day and hears God tell him to marry her. The story is wrapped around the battle Angel fights inside to know that she is worthy of this love. She abuses Micheal, leaves him twice and goes back to her "old" life. Micheal struggles to love her and show her God and when she leaves the second time, he must trust God to work it out.

It is a heartbreaking story. But it rings so true for me. Angel is constantly battling the dark inner voice that reminds her of her unworthiness of Micheal's and ultimately God's love. Micheal symbolizes God's love in the story, the love that forgiveness and makes new. Thankfully we also see the human side of the sorrow and hurt he feels when Angel betrays him, the rage when he sees her back in her old life.

This story of redeeming love is difficult to grasp when you struggle with the dark voice. I often feel that Jeff's love has redeemed me in so many ways and in turn so has my daughters' love for me. Not that I had the life of Angel, but I think when you struggle with inner demons, whatever they may be, it often takes another to show you redeeming love. By his touch, his words and his very presence, Jeff reminds me of his love and God's love. By their touch, their grace and love, the girls remind me of God's forgiveness, grace and new life every morning.

It is hard when you journey through "the dark night of soul". To my surprise, even cheesy Christian fiction can be redeeming and timely.

Advent Traditions

2009-12-26T15:01:00.000-08:00

One of the many good things about the girls getting older is the ability to "do" more with them. This year we decided to incorporate 2 new traditions into our Advent season. The first was an Advent box filled with a daily activity. Activities ranged from having a movie night, to serving dinner to those less fortunate, to purging old toys to building gingerbread houses. Each day the girls would run downstairs to see what the day would hold. It was definitely a family building tradition that we will keep for many years!

The Advent Box

The second tradition we started was with gift giving. The girls are blessed to have extended family who love giving gifts...therefore Jeff and I have not bought the girls gifts...ever! But this year we wanted to not only give gifts, but make it a meaningful time. So we decided to give gifts as the magi from the Christmas story did. We told them the story of the Magi and explained what our gifts to them would represent. The gold gift is something that the girls really wanted. The frankincense gift was something they needed. The myrrh gift represents a gift to help with their spiritual journey. So their gifts were Gold=Disneyland trip which was represented by an individual photo album for each girl. Frankincense= Hairbands and socks. Myrrh = a bible.

The Magi

As I have said before to others and on my other blog, I didn't grow up with Christmas traditions rooted in faith. We are discovering our girls to be deep wells of wisdom and childlike faith regarding God and we want to encourage them by instilling these meaningful traditions so that as they grow up they can hold to them as an anchor.

Here's a glimpse of next year's project!

Unreasonable Expectations????

2009-12-20T16:31:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wonder if Jeff and I have unreasonable expectations for our life. Read this post and I'll let you be the judge...

We want:
Beautiful healthy kids
A savings account
Jobs that allow us to pay bills, save a bit, buy some stuff, that works with the girls' schedule, that uses our gifts and passions and doesn't demand 40+ hours of our life.

So far we are 1 for 3...(a hint for you that are wondering...we only have the first one!)

In our ideal world, we would have a job that lets us either work together or that pays one of us well enough that we are not stressing all the time about money.

Right now we are trying to figure out what to do. Do we look for a job in a place where we have no family or friends??? Alberta, Sask and Manitoba are all options. Do we stay here and try and gut it out by selling the apartment and making money when we can? Do we move to Ontario where we have family and the cost of living is lower, but no jobs right now?

Maybe we are unreasonable in our expectations of life. Maybe life is about 2 parents, 2 full time jobs, 2 kids in daycare...but if wanting to be at home with the girls right now, feeling like family is more important than stuff...then maybe we are unreasonable...but I'm OK with that.

Church is a Chore....

2009-12-14T19:51:00.000-08:00

About a week ago I was chatting with another woman roughly my age with kids slightly older. We had both come from churches in Vancouver that were slightly more liberal, artsy and hip. However, that is not what she was lamenting this morning. "Church has become a chore" she said to me. For the last 7 years she has been either teaching Sunday School or in the nursery. The Sundays that she is not teaching, she works as a nurse. "I can count on one hand the number of times that I've sat through a service" she said.

I've been pondering this comment all week. And grieving too I think. For the past year and a bit I've had the luxury of not doing anything at church. I've helped out here and there, but no commitment to any one thing. I'll be honest, it's been lovely! No responsibility or to do lists. Just come to church and leave. Of course all year I've been partaking in the children's ministry, enjoying the coffee and lunches provided. I've sat through most services, singing and listening (or not listening). Not of which would be possible without those good folks who serve constantly. I've enjoyed the programming without contributing. And the same people contribute constantly to all sorts of things.

So here is the million dollar question: Is it possible to have a very programmed church without creating folks who then feel that church is a chore because they are running all those programs?

If yes, how so? If no, then what goes?

Here are my humble thoughts:

Give people a Sabbath year. Serve 2 years in a ministry, take a break. The break might be serving in a different, more life giving ministry or not.
Be willing as a church to look hard at the programs. Is it becoming a hassle to get people to serve? Do an audit of your programs and volunteers. Assess whether continuing is viable or not. Be willing to "take a break" on a program or two. Maybe someone will miss it and take up the responsibility.
Have more volunteer appreciation times. You can never go wrong doing that.

I have no theological basis for my thoughts, but I think we are in dangerous times when people dread coming to church because of all the "stuff" they have to do. Coming together on Sunday is meant to be encouraging and affirming. A time set aside for worship and community. It is hard to do that when 'Church is a chore.'

Conversations with a 4 & 6 year old

2009-12-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Sunday morning with the 6 year old...

Me: Get in the van so we can go to church.

Kid: Mom! I can't right now. I'm reading God's word!

Me: ....you win....

One afternoon with the 4 year old...

Kid: Mom? Where is my Jesus thingamijiggy?

Me: Your coloring book?

Kid: Yup.

There you have it. Child like faith in action!

Exploring...

2009-11-26T09:59:00.000-08:00

Always in the (wilderness) when you leave familiar ground
and step off alone into a new place,
there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement,
a little nagging feeling of dread.
It is the ancient fear of the Unknown,
and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.
What you are doing is exploring.
You are undertaking the first experience,
not of the place, but of yourself in that place.
It is an experience of our essential loneliness;
for nobody can discover the world for anybody else.
It is only after we have discovered it for ourselves
that it becomes a common ground and a common bond,
and we cease to be alone.
~Wendall Berry~

Isn't that ironic

2009-11-25T10:58:00.000-08:00

Way back in the mid nineties there was a great song by Alanis Morisette called Isn't that ironic. Many stuffy English professors got up in arms about it, saying that her song wasn't the true definition of irony...however millions of people resonated with the song with lyrics like: "Ten thousand spoons and all you need is a knife" or "You meet the man of your dreams and then you meet his beautiful wife."

Just a week after I started this blog about needing to trust my path, I got the news that I was no longer being considered for a job I had applied for. Not even given the chance to interview...at a ministry that I co-founded 10 years ago.

So this past couple of weeks has been a chance for me to see if I was really up for trusting my path, the one God has laid out for me. I've come to a few conclusions:

I need to trust the process that the ministry has chosen to hire a new E.D. Hopefully a process that will bring the perfect person to lead the ministry into the future.

It is OK to feel conflicting emotions around this decision. Deep shock and sorrow, a bit of anger and confusion and acceptance are all OK.

I need to be a voice of reconciliation. I have lovely, loyal friends who to varying degrees have supported me and trashed the ministry. Though that makes me feel good, I really don't want the kids of the ministry to suffer due to misplaced loyalty. (if my friends have other issues with the ministry, then that is on them).

I need to keep discerning what is next for me.

Good times people!

Vocation

2009-11-14T15:48:00.001-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I was in Banff for a work retreat. The topic was 'Discerning the Will of God'. A mighty heavy topic, but one I was so ready to hear. Unfortunately, I fell sick and missed most of the sessions! However, I managed to sit through the one session and it was like a balm to my spirit. The speaker, Gordon Smith, really spoke to the whole issue of calling and vocation. I ended up picking up one of his books called, Courage & Calling. It is a fairly slim book and after 2 weeks I am only 80 pages in. For those that know me well know that 80 pages is usually an hour's worth of reading for me. But this book is so rich in teaching that I can only read a chapter at a time and then need a day of reflection on it. My sense is that this book may become a repeating theme on this blog for the next little while.

The first passage that captured my imagination comes when Smith defines the 3 aspects of calling/vocation:

1. The general call: the invitation to follow Jesus, to become a Christian
2. The specific call: a vocation that is unique to each person, an individual's mission to the world
3. The immediate call: the tasks or duties to which God calls each person at the present time

Broken down into 3 parts like that made me realize that although I feel like I've got a decent handle on #1 and #3, #2 is my point of crisis. Not in a panicked sort of way, but in a deep longing to truly be immersed in my God given vocation way. Smith then points to the Apostle Paul's writing in Romans 12 as a guide into self introspection...and it is here that I linger.

Introspection is a familiar place for me. I am naturally an introvert and so spend a lot of time in my own head. However, having this frame of vocation to look through, my thoughts are less clear than usual. In some sense I know what I am good at and what gives me life...but right now I don't live on land that I can grow food on and I can't spend hours reading books and listening to people's stories. So, how does that fit with vocation and life?

I'll let you know when I figure it out...

Trusting my path...

2009-11-13T09:37:00.000-08:00

In a conversation with some of my co-workers, we were talking about discerning the will of God. One of them reminded us of the walk through a prayer labyrinth. Walking through a labyrinth is an exercise that focuses us on the path of the maze, the points of the maze where you stop and reflect/pray and the journey. There are often points during the labyrinth where you get a glimpse of the centre of the maze, your ultimate destination, but you are led in the complete opposite way. Her comment was that we need to 'trust the path' and trust that ultimately we will be in the centre where God is. I have been pondering this imagery for the last 2 weeks and really feel as though I've forgotten that what it means to trust the path.

A couple of years ago Jeff and I started a blog to document some of our faith musings. However, we forgot the password and forgot the blog. Since leaving active ministry a year ago, I've lost a bit of the discipline of study and reflection. This blog is an effort to regain a bit of that discipline, especially at this point of my life where I am seeking God to lead me in the next direction He wants me to go.

I hope to incorporate art, music, writings and my own thoughts in this blog...and re-learn to trust the path God has marked out for me.